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Saturday, January 5, 2013

Resolution Junkie

With it being the beginning of the new year and all, the buzz is all about making resolutions.

I can't really say I've sat down and made a formal New Year's Resolution.

The thing is, I'm a resolution making junkie. Except I don't save my resolutions for the beginning of the year. I get a wild idea in my head, draw up crazy plans with arrows and keys, spend money on the operable parts to this plan and then half ass succeed until I give up.

I've mastered the art of MAKING resolutions. I create them. I mold them from the gargantuan stash of big idea clay stored in my crazy brain. I just fizzle out in the actually accomplishing anything phase..

Some of 2012's failed projects:

 I hate laundry. I needed a better system. While briefly entertaining the Charlie Brown wardrobe theme for my family, I scaled down THAT idea and decided to tackle the sock matching crisis in my home. The thought behind this was I would purchase everyone in the family the same color socks so that when I went to fold them there would be no hair pulling mismatched sock pile nonsense. Except...when I tried to put this plan into action, I quickly realized that four people with different sized feet BUT same style of socks was a TERRIBLE idea. Now I had to hunt for the exact same white crew sock that matched the size 10 foot size NOT the size 13. This leads to holding socks together to eyeball size differences and this SUCKS.

You'd think I'd stop there with the sock scheme. Sigh. I didn't. I went back to the drawing board and revised my plan. I thought...well, it was a good idea just needs some tweaking. I decided to get each family member their very own color of socks.

You guys. We have a shit load of socks. And we still have a mismatch pile. It's just bigger.

Fail.

Next idea? I felt like I was stuck in a cooking rut. I wanted to experiment with new recipes. BUT, I couldn't just keep it simple. I wanted to cook healthier...possibly organic. AND I needed to put together a slick Excel spreadsheet grocery list. AND I needed to clip coupons.

I spent one whole day off from work devising this plan. I Googled new recipes. I hunted down coupons from not only the newspaper but the internet as well. I made a menu plan and proudly hung it up on the refrigerator with our Jimmy Johns fridge magnet. Hmmm. 

We went to the grocery store and spent far more money than I want to let on. Then I spent the rest of the week trying to put together foreign recipes ahead of time. When my family turned their noses up at the change in diet I wanted to scream, "But it's ON THE SPREADSHEET! EAT IT!"

I realized that I was spending WAY too much time planning, shopping, using 5 million pans, cleaning the 5 million pans, storing spices that I've never heard of, trying to figure out what the hell blanching really meant, and prepping late into the night for meals my family disliked. As I threw out the leftovers no one would touch I cried a little.

We're back to spaghetti, casseroles, and meat 'n potato dishes. My family is relieved. Every once and awhile I get a little crazy and purchase a different shape of Tator Tot product. To keep things fresh and interesting, of course.

The Menu Plan was donated to a nursing home. Enjoy.

Unfortunately I have MANY more of these incidents. But I'm only going to talk about one more, because I made the resolution JUST NOW to not write long winded boring blog posts. I'll devise the flow chart on accomplishing this later.

Working out. I wrote a blog post earlier on this. This resolution comes up quite often. Usually after a dressing room incident, a tagged picture on Facebook that makes you hate the person who thought this was acceptable for public viewing, a comment from my innocent children that makes me die a little inside, a particularly awful glance in the mirror, or while sitting on the couch after a 7 course Kentucky Fried Chicken meal feeling like the scum of the earth.

However this resolution comes up, it always leads to me immediately squeezing in a work out, eating a celery stick, and then wondering why I haven't lost ten pounds after my excruciating 20 minute work out. Then I buy stylish pants that fit and accept that I can look good without killing myself, and MAYBE vacuuming is a good enough work out for today.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

So, No. I do not have a New Year's Resolution. But rest assured my family is cringing at what crazy ideas will pop into my head through out the year of 2013.

Maybe I'll take up pottery...

And don't worry. You guys will hear ALL about it.

Good luck with any resolutions any of you have made. May the force be with you.


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Dude, Where's My Hover Car?

Happy New Year everyone! I'm not going to hide my disappointment that it is now 2013 and we are not driving, err flying around in hover cars and transporting ourselves from place to place in those bank sucky tube thingys. I'm sure they are called something a bit more technical and if I used them to transport myself to the mall, I most likely would remember the fancy name. Or is it just called a vacuum? Whatever. Doesn't matter. I don't have one.

BUT...we do have Siri. (That link entertained me for far too long...)

We have cars that also talk to us.  Uh...hello? Am I the only one that imagines my GPS voice is actually the car from Knight Rider? Crickets? Okay. 

 My preschooler works at school on a freaking iPad. Remember the old green screen Apples that we shoved our Oregon Trail and Number Muncher floppy disks in?

It's almost unheard of to not have Internet access anywhere you go. Peace out dial up.

We have video games that respond to our body movement. Don't worry "Duck Hunt", I still love you. 

We have robots that roam our houses seeking out an enemy to destroy. Dirt, duh. I actually won't get one of these Roomba thingys because they weird me out. Maximum Overdrive. 'Nuff said. 

Anyway, you get the point and by now you have realized I am not a technology expert, because:

A) I have used the word "thingy" at least twice in this post.

B) None of this is actually brand new cutting edge technology for 2013.

Which is FINE. I am just REFLECTING on the super cool gadgets that we take for granted. And I am always late to the party when it comes to technology. So don't take any advice from me in regards to the latest and greatest new toy. Because it would be a lie. (Coming soon in 2014! Flying Cars! It's TRUE! No really.) And my blog title would be incredibly off topic if I started blogging about technology...

Despite not having flying cars and transportation tubes, I guess we've come pretty far for 2013. I wouldn't mind having a robot named Rosie to do all my housework for me and to give me advice 24/7, but then again she could kill me in my sleep, so I guess I'm content with searching for apps on my phone and Googling "How To Get Sharpie Marker Stains Off Of Your White Dog The Safe Way."

True Story.